I asked my buddy Tom Selleck and his mustache to pick her up at the airport and unfortunately they’ve had a little car trouble. Tom thinks it’s the alternator, but who knows. Tom is a handsome guy, a wonderful actor, the most talented mustache sporter I ever met. But one thing Tom isn’t is a mechanic.
Fortunately, they broke down right in front of the Waffle House, so while Tom waits on AAA, he is treating Kalleen to some great waffles with a side of hashbrowns, smothered, covered, topped and chunked. And I’m sure our waitress, Jilly Bean has put in her good set of teeth (she has a crush on Tom), and Rastus the cook has changed into his clean wife-beater t-shirt. It never hurts to make a good impression.
I was going to hurry up and finish my latest craft project while I was waiting on them, but apparently Oprah’s Green Room is overfull again and she sent over the cast of Fashion Police to wait in mine. So I’m currently housing Joan Rivers, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne and George Kotsiopoulos. Not that I’m intimidated or anything, but I’m not really sure my Harley Davidson T-shirt and Ducky pajama bottoms are up to their standards. You should have seen the looks on their faces when they saw me. Well, actually, I’m not sure if Joan was appalled or not. Her face hasn’t moved in at least 15 years.
They immediately started taking notes about my outfit, shaking their heads and clicking their tongues. George asked me if I got my tennis shoes from 1979. Ummm… I think that was an insult. And they all totally enjoyed insulting my hair scrunchie. But true to my southern upbringing, I smiled sweetly, brought them all some sweet tea and said, “Bless your little heart” (the southern terminology for “up yours”) a bunch of times.
Oh look, here is Tom and Kalleen! Tom, why don’t you go say hi to Joan and her friends, bless their little hearts, while Kalleen and I go sit down for an interview!