A Rant about Gym Etiquette and Poopy Girl

I am constantly changing up my exercise routine. I’ve never been a huge fan of moving my body around as you could have probably already guessed, so it is a struggle to find things that I enjoy. That effort makes it necessary to switch thing up periodically when I get bored with what I’m currently doing. I started out mall walking, moved to videos, moved to hiking and treadmills, moved to running outdoors and currently, I’m trying my best to be consistent on getting an hour in on the elliptical during the weekdays.

Our company offers a gym for employee use on our 2nd floor. I was rather resistant to that at first. I didn’t want to be seen in workout clothes and then have to work beside the same folks that I just blinded. I’ve always kept work as a separate entity to my private life and working out in the gym is just about as private as you can get with me. So it was a matter of trying to get the fact into my stubborn head that those folks really don’t care what I look like. Everyone is in there to improve upon themselves. I would probably be surprised at how many of the buff-like individuals had issues with their self confidence too.

So over time, I’ve adjusted my mindset and made it possible for me to go down there and work out during my lunch hour. Of course, I do a few concessions to make it easier for me. I go down at 1:00 because the gym empties out about then. Most folks workout from 12:00 to 1:00. I put a headset on to discourage anyone having conversation with me. I know- I’m ridiculously anti-social, but the last thing I want to do is to talk about the Johnson report while I’m jiggling my fat butt around.

I change clothes in the bathroom stall rather than right in the middle of the locker room like everyone else seems to do. I have to tell you that I don’t think I’d ever have the confidence that some of those women have that walk around the locker room naked, talking on their cell phone while fluffing their unmentionables with a towel. Or even worse- sitting on the bench naked. O.M.G. Meanwhile, those of us that are clothed have to pretend like that is totally normal. How can I possibly compile a database with someone that I just saw naked? For that matter, how can I even put my purse down on the bench?

I’ve developed quite a few pet peeves regarding the gym. I guess that comes when you are sharing it with 250 plus people. First and foremost is cleanliness. If you use a piece of equipment, then wipe it down with sterilizer cloths afterwards! No-one wants your sweat germs! Ugh! I’ve learned after covertly watching those around me that over half the folks do not wipe the equipment down. So being the anal individual that I am, I now thoroughly wipe the elliptical down before and after I work out.

Another pet peeve- what is with the grunting? Why do the guys all insist on grunting so loud while working out? It’s distracting, annoying and frankly I’m struggling with working beside some of these folks now because I probably know what they sound like in bed. ICK.

Then there is Poopy Girl. I don’t know her real name or what department she works in. I don’t know much about her except for the fact that she has the “call of nature” every day at 2:00 PM. How do I know this? Because 2:00 PM is when my workout is over and I’m in the locker room re-assembling myself. Usually at that time I am to the point where I am blowing drying my hair with the hand dryer and trying to repair my face. Poopy Girl will walk in, nod to me and go into one of the stalls, where she then entertains me with the sounds and everything else that goes with a major bodily function that most of us appreciate that you keep private. Know what I mean? She did it three days in a row to me before I realized that this must be part of her routine. I honestly have never known ANYONE to be that regular. And frankly, would appreciate not knowing to begin with.

So the other day, I adjusted my workout time to 12:45 to 1:45 with the sole intent on avoiding Poopy Girl. Of course, that put me in the gym during high volume and I ended up waiting on my elliptical to be free. Once free, I had to thoroughly wash it as the disgustingly sweaty individual (who happens to be one of my managers) left it nasty. Which grossed me out even more when I discovered that the handles were still warm when I finally got on it. (You have to admit that the only thing grosser is sitting down on a warm toilet seat). This on top of the fact that now I get to listen to this same manager and two other sweaty guys grunt through their weight lifing routine. Nice. All this put me behind and I ended up changing in the locker room at 1:55. I rushed through the hair dry and was just starting the makeup procedure when in comes Poopy Girl. Damn!

I’m thinking I might need to adjust my routine again. Do you think exercise is making me cranky?