Sitcom Re-run: Everyone in my house is in Big Fat Trouble!

by Susan Myers on October 23, 2012

Sandy/Suzys Artsy Craftsy Sitcom

Originally posted on Sept 9, 2010- a little bit of humor for your week!

This is Sandy, our senior citizen German Shepherd. Sandy is a sweet, but cranky old lady with a bit of arthritis, a few issues with her hips and a slight bladder control problem. We can’t hardly fault her for being a bit cranky with all those issues.

But that isn’t why she’s in trouble.

Over the past few years, we’ve been giving her prescription medicine to control the bladder problem. It works great. Every morning, she gets a quarter-sized pill covered in peanut butter. Every morning, she stands expectantly in the kitchen waiting for her morning “treat”. And then suddenly one day, she came to the conclusion that she doesn’t need that pill anymore.

I’m guessing she got to watching Oprah and decided to kick her drug addiction. She has decided that she just plain isn’t going to take it. Coated in peanut butter, wrapped in bread, cut into little peices and mixed with jelly. Heck no. She’s got her mouth clamped shut and her nose in the air.

I even tried prying those jaws open while my daughter chunked it in. Let me tell you, that dog can sit there for an hour with her mouth held shut and when we finally think she swallowed the darn thing, and let go, and she deftly spits out the offending object.

Ralph/Suzys Artsy Craftsy Sitcom

Then there is Ralph. Ralph is our youngest dog, barely out of puppyhood and Ralph has a brand new set of shiny teeth. He really likes them. In fact, he’s chewed up nearly every dog toy in the house. To smitherines.

But that is not why he’s in trouble.

You see I was vacuming the other day and happened upon some huge chips of wood under the dining room table. Further investigation revealed that half the leg was eaten on my beautiful oak table. CRAP! I turned around and looked at the three of them. Ralph hung his head.

So, after thinking about it a bit, I took a bottle of hot sauce and applied it to the eaten leg. That will get him! No sooner did I let him back in the house, when I found him licking the table leg. He thought it was delicious. You know, he is half chihauhau. Yo Quiero Taco Bell… So rather than risk him making a taco out of what was left of that leg, I tied the leg up in a towel so he can’t get to it. Looks stupid, but whatever.

Faith/Suzys Artsy Craftsy Sitcom

And then there is Faith, my other chihauhau/pug mix. Faith is a chubby little thing with the body of a pug and the head of a chihauhau. We can’t keep a collar on her because her neck is bigger than her head. Ha! Needless to say, Faith is a foodaholic. (Not unlike the rest of the family). The vet refers to her as an “ottoman” because her tiny little legs are holding up such a chubby body.

But that is not why she’s in trouble.

You see, we finally found something that will get Sandy to take her pills again. It is a wet dog food located in the refrigerated section next to the Biljack that is packaged in rolls similar to cookie dough. We cut it up into pieces, shove a pill into one of them and Sandy eats it so fast, she has no idea she is back on drugs. Oprah will be upset, but that’s the way it goes.

ANYWAY, I handed Sandy her dogfood covered pill and she accidently dropped it. Faster than a speeding bullet, Faith leaped from behind me, snagged the food covered pill and swallowed it whole before it even hit the ground.

Just great. Luckily, it had no ill effects, but I’m betting she won’t have to pee for days.

The daughter is in big fat trouble because she can’t seem to remember to return my hairdryer to the proper location after she is done with it. Which creates an issue for me in the morning as I search around in the pitch dark in her room for it. And just about break my toe on her door.

The husband is in trouble because he called my office phone 15 times (at least that is what it seemed like) while I was on a conference call on the other line that I couldn’t get off of. Picturing him in the hospital, or a child in a car wreck or some other family member in dire straights, I got off the conference call as soon as I could and returned the call.

“Can you pick me up at the Harley dealer after work?” he asks. AAAARRRGGHH!

I went to back out of the driveway and ran into my daughter’s car.  Nice move on my part.  Now I can’t even complain about everyone else.  At least not in person.  Good thing they don’t read my blog!  Ha!

Ooops, it turns out they do read my blog.  Guess we are all in big fat trouble now…

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Brenda Williams October 24, 2012 at 11:34 pm

I love reruns…this one is too funny!

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2 Martha Lawson October 24, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Loved the story – needed the laugh!!! My youngest dog has to take allergy pills, so I put it in cheese, they love it (I have 2 dogs)! Before I can get the cheese slice out of the fridge and get it unwrapped, they are both in the kitchen waiting for a piece.

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3 Suzy October 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Cheese is definitely a favorite! Unfortunately, Sandy had gotten just a bit smart about what was inside! Thanks for stopping by, and glad I put a smile in your day!

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4 KatieQ October 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I think your post today is the reason I don’t have a dog. After our beloved cat died, I thought I would like to have a small dog that doesn’t shed (allergies), but every time I come close to making a decision, I read a post similar to yours. I think I will just enjoy reading about other people’s dog related problems and not create any or myself.

One day I was visiting a friend and noticed that the legs of her dining room table were inside white pvc pipes. She told me it kept her puppy from chewing them and that she took them off whenever she had company.

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5 Suzy October 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Hi Katie!

Love the idea of the pvc pipes! Ha! I can tell you though, for every frustration with owning a dog, there are 20 wonderful reasons to keep them around. They are my hairy little children! :)

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6 Paula October 24, 2012 at 10:46 am

I love how you tell your stories, I know they must not seem funny at the time, but you sure know how to make someone laugh!!!!
I’ve also tried the hot sauce and for some odd reason they love it, now mine thinks every time I open the fridge she’s going to get some,lol!!!

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7 Joyce Fisher October 24, 2012 at 10:16 am

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Oh my gosh Suzy!!! You’ve done it again, made me laugh out loud. I love your blog so much!!! That’s why you are one of the five blogs I have listed as “Blogs I Love” on my own blog. By the way, 3 of the 5 blogs I “watch” because they are family so I’m obligated!!! So that means you are actually 1 of 2 blogs that I “advertise” on my blog. I love yours because you are a GREAT story-teller and you make me laugh!

Peace, Love & Joy,
Joyce
peaceloveandjoyce.blogspot.com

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8 Suzy October 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Wow. I feel very honored! Thanks so much!!

And I’m so glad I put a smile in your day!

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9 Sandy Keiper October 24, 2012 at 9:11 am

I received a really funny email from my husband called “How to give a Cat a Pill” I’m going to try to send it to you.
I tried to copy and paste it, but all I got is the words, the pictures that go with it are priceless. Can someone tell me how to send the entire thing?
Thanks

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

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10 Tequila October 24, 2012 at 8:00 am

I know this is a year old. But next time you put hot sauce on an item that you don’t want your dog to chew on, you might want to try Wasabi sauce instead. I bet one lick of that and your dog won’t try chewing the item again.

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11 Suzy October 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Great idea! I’m a huge fan of wasabi myself, but I can definitely see where that might work! thanks!

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12 Nancy Carr October 24, 2012 at 7:44 am

Thank you for starting my day with a laugh. Love dog stories. Love your blog. You and your family are fun. I appreciate you. Continued Blessings, Nancy

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13 Teddie Seeley October 24, 2012 at 7:36 am

Suzy, I just love your blog. You do know how to make me laugh.
I bet those dogs if they can’t read, may be able to read your lips while you are typing, lol.
Oh by the way, my oldest daughter Kara, bought me a couple pair of those no nonsense corduroy leggings, for my birthday.
Ohmygawd, they are so darn comfortable, and the material is just wonderful, love playing with my legs, lol.
Hugs to you lady,

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14 Kitty Molenaar October 24, 2012 at 4:17 am

Thank you for this hilarious story: it made my day!!

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15 norene October 23, 2012 at 6:02 pm

This was one of my favorite blogs. Glad to see you bring back some old ones.

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