Our Featured Guest Star- If I Didn’t Have a Sense of Humor

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Today we are welcoming Barbara from If I Didn’t Have a Sense of Humor.  Barbara’s site is an amazing mix of humor, vintage ads and wonderful wit. She talks about her family, her animals and life in general and entertains us with clips from retro and vintage magazine ads that seem to just beg for a little sarcastic humor. And Barbara takes it and runs with it. Her website is a daily morning ritual for me and helps to put a smile in my day. So I had to invite her over! My buddy Tom Selleck and his mustache are standing beside themselves! They are so excited to finally meet her!

Then we found out that we are going to have to allow Madonna to share part of the Green Room today. It seems that the Today Show has her as a special guest along with Justin Bieber. Knowing her history for liking them young, they didn’t want to put both of them in the same Green Room. So they asked if she could use mine. Which normally wouldn’t be an issue, but let me tell you, the lady comes with a lot of demands. She let everyone know that she is available for autographs, but she is limiting it to one per person and will not sign body parts. Also, she has penned a rider listing her backstage demands including one case of Kabbalah water, a fresh deli platter, fresh cut yellow roses and a bowl of M&M’s with all the red ones removed.

Madonna was running pretty late, when we got a call from the local High School telling us that she was loitering in the student parking lot and creeping out the kids. So I sent Tom to pick her up. Which apparently was not fun for either Tom or his mustache because they came back in a sour mood. He had spent hours primping in the mirror before he left and had worn his best tight fitting jeans in order to impress. Apparently, Madonna was not the slightest bit interested in either him or his mustache. She asked him if he had a grandson.

So a pouting Tom is joining Barbara and I for the interview. Ya know, I’ve always thought he and his mustache are both extremely attractive. I’ve been a fan of him throughout his Magnum PI years and stayed loyal even through the dark years when he was just Tom Selleck and no ‘stache. And then Madonna walks in and ruins his self esteem in five minutes. And my opinion? Chopped liver. But that is okay. I see where I stand. Ha!

Suzy: So Barbara, tell me a little about yourself, your family, your other hobbies…
Barbara: I’m your normal average single girl taking care of an 83 year old mom and a 60 year old brother with Alzheimer’s. My mom and I go to antique shows and screw around a lot. I have two dogs, Trixie and Minnie, who try very hard to kill me every day. They have much more energy than I, and prove it to me on a daily basis.

Suzy: When and why did you start blogging, and where would you like your blogging to lead?
Barbara: I started blogging soon after my father died as a way to just express myself. Then I started posting stupid stuff I liked and it found its own audience. Where would I like it to lead? Fame, fortune, riches…seriously – I’m always surprised when someone contacts me to do a giveaway – they know me?? If people keep reading, that’s good enough for me. I would like to meet the Pioneer Woman though…she’s so cool.

“Jack, Stu, Arnie and Ralph.
They work for Interpol.
They work hard. They sweat. Four men. Eight armpits. Four crotches. Probably one with back hair.

Four suits that “take the heat off”. No matter what situation they get in, the suits are breathable, and they’ll look crisp and sexy in their Burton suits when they track down Pussy Galore.”

Suzy: Can you tell us a few things that most folks don’t know about you?
Barbara: I’m actually quite shy. NO ONE believes that. I don’t like to be the center of attention. And I’m very, very sentimental.

“Meet Art.  Art wears dentures and
smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. 
He’s concerned about tobacco staining
his dentures. 

His lungs, not so much.”


Suzy: You blog is a wonderful slice of pop humor. Can you tell me what inspires your posts?
Barbara: Stupidity.

“Welcome to what sold underwear in the 1950s.  Men wrestling?  Jack and Marty were sitting around the breakroom discussing the Barry Case when Jack casually said “don’t get your panties all bunched, Marty.” 
Marty took immediate defense and said “Impossible!! I wear Munsingwear’s Stretchy Seat underwear! They have a special horizontal panel that keeps my undies from riding up! I’ll put my undies against your undies any time!!”  Well, not to walk away from a challenge, Jack immediately dropped trow and thus began the wrestling match. Marty won.  They’re dating now, and it looks serious.”

Barbara: Some of these ads are so ridiculous, it’s amazing that any agency ever said “Hey, that’s brilliant, let’s use it!”. I am a pop culture nut – there are others who know so much more than I, but I spent the majority of my youth watching television and playing with dangerous Marx Toys, so my brain is full of all sorts of random trivia. Heck, most of the stuff I know is useless now anyway – the generation now is too young to remember the people I grew up on. That’s when I really miss my dad. We had a “code” – I could imitate an indian singing, and he knew instantly that I was talking about Guy Marks on the Dean Martin roasts. We had the same sense of humor.

PS: Here’s a link so you know what I mean http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCGsRidmXpI.

“I’m hungry. Let’s see what’s on the menu at the asylum…
Spam and egg salad on French bread. Thanks, but no. 
How about Spam, cream cheese and onion on white bread?
Really, no. 
Spam and sweet pickle on a sesame bun? No.
Grilled Spam and cheese on gluten bread? God, no.
Spam and baked beans on a hot dog bun? Um, nurse? I think I’m feeling ill…
Spam, lettuce and tomato on whole wheat? Help me. 
Spam, Swiss and sauerkraut on pumpernickel?

My brain just exploded. Pass me the Phenobarbital please.
I’ll skip dinner.”

Suzy: Since I’m kinda a crafty blog, I have to ask. Are there any crafts that you enjoy? I will admit that writing is a craft in itself- something that you are quite talented at.
Barbara: Oh God, in my day…mom and I were followers of Martha Stewart back in the day. I used to tole paint. I no longer have the patience for most crafts, nor the time, but in my day, I was the craft queen. It’s amazing to go on Etsy.com and see how incredibly talented people are. I grew up in the 70s. We crocheted and macramed a lot. Everything looked like what your neighbor did. People now are just insanely talented, like you.

“Man, there is nothing meaner than Mother Nature. Especially when she’s late. 
Fortunately, the lady here isn’t pregnant, she’s just constipated. 

Because women are delicate flowers with delicate colons, Correctol is extra gentle to a woman’s “sensitive system”. It “moves the waste gently”.

Isn’t that reassuring (and a little nauseating)?”

Suzy: You have a very busy life. How do you make time to blog? I know first hand how time-consuming a good blog is. How do you schedule it all in?
Barbara: It’s hard! Some days, I don’t feel like doing it at all, but it does help keep me sane. Some days I get a great idea and it’s easy, and some days I don’t feel the funny at all. What’s amusing is that things that I find hysterical sometimes get hardly any comments, and things I find not so funny get loads.

“According to Food Editor Dorothy Malone, smoking after meals is not enough! You must smoke during the meal as well! 
Tomato soup? Don’t mind if I do!
And a Camel after, sure!
Waldorf Salad? Yes! A Camel after…um, okay.
Turkey? You bet! Seconds?
Not before that Camel!
Dessert? Pie or Cake? Here’s a Camel with that too!”

Suzy: Where do you find all those wonderful ads from the 50’s and 60’s?
Barbara: I collect old magazines….have for years. Some I find from other people. I’m always looking.

Suzy: My buddy Tom wants to know if you’ve ever met a celebrity in real life. Other than him of course.
Barbara: Sweetie, I could give you a list a mile long. I lived in Los Angeles for 10 years and met loads there, and worked at Paramount Studios for a short time too. I’d have to say my absolute favorite was Dick Van Dyke – the nicest man in the universe. For your older readers, I rode up in an elevator with David Birney, and he was floored that I knew who he was (I’ll wait while you look him up).


Barbara: I once ran into Larry Gelbart (he wrote for Sid Caeser, and M*A*S*H, among other things) while paying for a parking meter. As he walked by I said “I love your work.” He said “You know who I am?” and I said “Of course, you’re Larry Gelbart!”. He said “Let me pay for your meter!!”. Honest, I could give you a list of the nice people and of the jerks.

Best Friends Animal Society

Suzy: You are quite an activist for animals. Can you tell us a little about what you are promoting right now?
Barbara: I am always promoting something! I’m a big believer in spay/neuter – there are so many adoptable pets out there now, why does your animal have to give birth?? I’m a Best Friends Guardian Angel program supporter and right now I’m doing a pet food drive for homeless pets here at home. Oh, and doing fundraising for a blog friends greyhounds operation. Whew. I’m a big believer in paying it forward. Whatever kindness we can show will come back to us eventually.

Barbara, thank you so much for joining us today!

Please take a moment to swing by and visit Barbara at If I Didn’t Have a Sense of Humor.  You won’t be disappointed!

My assistant just called and Madonna and her entourage are leaving the Green Room. So, Tom, it is safe to go back. Apparently, Justin Beiber made a run for it while he had the chance. So she and Angelina Jolie have planned a Christmas shopping trip at a local orphanage for the afternoon. It certainly wouldn’t be Christmas without a few extra kids under the tree. At least that is what they told me.

I vote we take Barbara out for some true southern cuisine. How about a trip to Waffle House?  Jilly Bean can make us some hashbrowns that are smothered, covered, topped and chunked! We don’t mind being seen with an old man. Do we Barbara? Ha!

Tom! I’m just kidding!!


Suzy's Artsy Craftsy Sitcom

And remember, if you and your blog would like to join the party, please email me at myers6281(at)hotmail.com.  I am always looking for new guest stars.  And just think of all the awe in your friends and family’s eyes when you tell them you were actually on a sitcom!  Well, maybe a sitcom in my mind, but lets not get too literal.