My husband and I are creatures of habit. We have our established routines. We both have odd hobbies in common such as looking at houses even when we aren’t buying, and of course, people watching. They say there is someone for everyone and oddly enough, he likes doing the same things that I do. Who’d have thought it?
Every Friday is date night and we go out for dinner. And then we go to the mall for some Starbucks coffee and some people watching. People watching is an art that my husband and I have perfected over the years. We have practiced the skill of watching but not appearing to stare, of commenting to each other with glances and nudges. People watching is like bird watching; there are so many different colors, shapes, sizes of folks. So many interesting choices of plumage. So many things to catch the eye!
The entertainment abounds at the mall. There are the women and teenage girls that insist on dressing up to shop. Well, maybe not shop so much as to be seen shopping. Let’s call them the Tasmanian Red-tailed Hoochie-shoe. This species likes to wear short, tight skirts or jeans and heels that are so high that one wobble one way or the other could result in imminent death or in the very least, a nose bleed. They can be seen perusing the purses in the center aisle of the mall or flittering about the food court, showing their plumage to the best of their ability while pretending to be interested in the latest fashion trend in wallets.
The Tasmanian Red-tailed Hoochie-shoe is in truth, keeping their eye out for the Blue-crowned Bling-breasted Cool Dudes. These are the young guys with the droopy pants and the eye catching undies hanging out the back. There to impress, they swoop in and out of the mall, trying to look uninterested.
Of course we are impressed. Who wouldn’t be?
A storefront mannequin of the Blue-Crowned Bling-Breasted Cool Dude. This one is sans undies and frankly has all his “Ken parts” showing. I was a bit appalled.
The moms with the Hummer-like strollers are quite common in the mall even on a Friday night. These would be the Chestnut-winged Chariot-Pushers. They usually arrive in flocks of three or more and shop together with their children in tow, some entrapped in the swiss-army knife of a baby carriage and some led around with child-leashes behind them.
The carriage alone is a sight to behold. The size of a volkswagen, they have compartments for everything and hold much more than the child. Drinks, snacks, purses, packages, small TV’s, satellite dishes, jacuzzis. Who knows what all is in there? I’m not even sure how they find the child.
The common Chestnut-winged chariot-pusher is not necessarily here to be seen, so much as to be heard. You can hear their call for miles. “No! Don’t touch!” “Don’t touch!”
Finally, there are the Yellow-crested Standing Pea-cops. These are the unfortunate species meant to help supervise the wild creatures that descend upon the mall. These are the mall cops. We watch them with amusement because their main job on Friday nights is to check IDs. You see, no-one under the age of 18 is allowed in our mall unescorted by a parent after 6:00 PM. Apparently, there was trouble and the teenagers were evicted.
This really and truly cut down on the variety of people watching offered by the mall, but in place, gave us something to watch as the new rules are constantly being enforced and re-enforced.
Last Friday, after several hours of people watching, my husband and I were about to leave when I decided to gently harrass the mall cop positioned at the top of the escalator. I smiled pleasantly at him and told him that I understood why he hadn’t asked for my ID. I pointed to my husband and said, “You must have assumed he was my father.”
He laughed and told me that he would have asked, but I looked like I was properly escorted. I think the Yellow-crested Standing Pea-cop is now my favorite of them all. Flattery will totally get you everywhere.
Are you new to the Sitcom? Be sure to check out my Frequently Asked Questions Page!
Want more humor? Check out some of my popular humor posts!